Things I learned From Harry Potter Fan Fiction
by kdorian
Summary: Snark warning!
1. Part 1

**Things I Learned From Reading Harry Potter Fan Fiction**

1. All the REALLY cool kids hang out with Harry. If you don't hang out with him, you aren't one of the cool kids.

2. Anyone previously seen as evil who claim to be seeking redemption is actually taking part in a plot against the forces of light. After all, people never change their mind, decide they've made a huge mistake, and want to redress their past wrongs.

3. Anyone who doesn't like Harry is _just _like those mean girls from high school.

4. Anyone who is mean to Harry or his friends is evil, regardless of the reason they were mean. These people cannot be redeemed by any act. More, they don't want to be redeemed - they actively embrace being evil.

5. Anyone who is mean to Neville is evil, even if Neville is evil. Neville will be redeemed, thus making anyone mean to him evil retroactively.

6. Anyone who is fat is either comedy relief, or is an example of moral turpitude, sloth, gluttony, or a combination of all three.

7. Anyone who is ugly is evil, unless they are comedy relief.

8. Anyone with an unpleasant personality is evil.

9. Authorities in the wizarding world have hidden sensors everywhere. This is why people know the exact velocity of things or people flying around, the power of explosions, etc., as opposed to muggles who have to express things as "really fast" or "huge explosion."

10. Blaise Zambini is a white girl, and just as beautiful as her mother.

11. Blaise Zambini is a white boy, and just as handsome as his mother is beautiful.

12. Blaise Zambini is a mixed race/black boy, and has unremarkable looks.

13. Don't make Harry angry. You won't like him when he's angry.

14. Dumbledore is a master manipulator to such an extent that he effectively controls all of wizard Britain. Obviously, a teenager with little or no experience with the world outside his home and school is the only possible person who could hope to counter him.

15. Dumbledore is both magically and politically powerful, thus is effectively omnipotent and omniscient. It therefore follows that if anything bad happens to Harry, it is because Dumbledore WANTED it to. This proves that all evil is Dumbledore's fault.

16. Dumbledore is completely clueless, and is probably edging into senility.

17. Every famous poet, playwright, philosopher, tactician, etc. was actually a wizard.

18. Harry is always right.

19. Harry is ALWAYS right.

20. Harry is justified doing anything he wants to evil people, including torture and cold-blooded murder, because they are evil. These actions doen't count as immoral because he's doing them to bad people, DUH!

21. Hermoine is an insufferable know-it-all who doesn't know when to shut up. She always wants to boss Harry around because she thinks he's stupid.

22. Hermoine is brilliant, and can learn and remember things faster than anyone in recorded history. She is capable of recalling the exact wording of a footnote in a book she happened to glance through as a first year student. She is Harry's other best friend, and would do anything for him.

23. Hogwarts teaches martial arts and/or sword fighting.

24. House elves cannot survive without being bound to a wizard. It's GOOD for them. Besides, they LIKE it. Besides, any creature that speaks pidgin isn't really a person and wouldn't know what to do with 'rights' if you gave them some. They are better off this way.

25. If Harry has a brother, the brother is probably unsalvageable as a worthwhile human being. He's usually taking credit for being the Boy-Who-Lived, too.

26. If Harry has a sister, she's cute and smart and everyone likes her except mean people.

27. If Harry is a Slytherin, Gryphondors are either evil or clueless dorks. Or both.

28. If Harry is sent to Azkaban for any reason, including murdering innocent babies in cold blood, in front of a crowd in Diagon Alley, in full daylight, after which he fights the Aurors coming to take him in for questioning and manages to kill three of them, he is actually innocent. Or they really deserved it. Or both.

29. Luna Lovegood exists on a higher plane which you are simply unable to comprehend. She is also the descendant of a long line of seers. Everything she says is absolutely true and correct; your lack of understanding simply reveals how unenlightened you are.

30. Luna Lovegood is completely and utterly insane, and anything she says may be immediately disregarded.

31. Magical limits apply to everyone except Harry.

32. Muggles stole the metric system from wizards. This explains why almost everything, even ingredients in ancient potions, are measured in grams and liters. The only thing NOT measured in base 10 is the money, and that's just to throw everyone off.

33. No one has ever been polite to the Goblins before Harry came along, including any earlier muggle-born wizards who did not know that wizards are 'supposed' to treat Goblins rudely. The Goblins will be be amazed and grateful and want to be his friend, instead of being rude, as they are with ever other human they encounter.

34. Ron is a moron, is jealous of Harry's looks, intelligence, wealth, and magical power, and will try to undercut Harry whenever possible.

35. Ron is a tactical genius, Harry's best friend, and is always ready to help and support Harry.

36. Scars make evil people ugly. Good people they make look 'rugged', regardless of their extent or placement.

37. Slytherins are evil, unless Harry likes them.

38. The REAL Reason Harry is better than anyone else is because he's a descendant of "X". This could be Godric Gryphindor, Salazar Slytherin, all four of the founders, Merlin, High Elves, or any other person or race of sufficient significance. Because in the wizarding world, it really IS all about your bloodline, not your choices.

39. There are no social messages to be found within Harry Potter other than the fight between good and evil.

40. There is One Perfect Person in the world for everyone who is worthy, a Soulmate who will bond with you for all eternity. This person will conveniently be someone you already know, from the same culture and region you are from, and will speak your language.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

#11 and #39 were suggested by a friend.

I do understand why there was initial confusion as to Blaise's gender and race. If you think that's what I'm poking, you've missed the point.

I will take suggestions if people want a chapter 2; I reserve the right to re-phrase any suggestion made, but credit will be given!


	2. Part 2

**Things I Learned From Reading Harry Potter Fan Fiction**

Part 2

41. All Slytherins are clever. Crabbe and Goyle, for example, are masters of cunning. (Courtesy of Nan.)

42. All those years of making eggs and bacon for the Dursley's breakfasts has turned Harry into a gourmet chef.

43. An exchange student, possibly the first ever, comes to Hogwarts. Harry or Draco, or both, fall head over heals in love with her.

44. Any nickname used even once in the books will become the only name a person is referred to by other characters.

45. Crabbe and Goyle just _pretend_ to be dumb thugs, to throw people off. They're both actually very smart and sensitive; Crabbe enjoys knitting and Goyle is a talented landscape painter.

46. Draco is a bad Seeker and the only reason he's on the team at all is because his father bribed the team with all new brooms. The fact that he won most games against every team but Griffindor, and came close to winning every time he lost to Harry, was just **luck**. (A/N: one of the **characters **says this, but in PoA, the only year we know all the Quidditch victories for, Malfoy won every game except vs. Harry.)

47. Dumbledore's manipulations of Harry's life and friends will result in Harry going Dark.

48. Harry becomes a sex god the moment he loses his virginity.

49. Harry can develop serious muscles, learn enough martial arts to beat master fighters, become a master tactician, and learn enough magic to beat Voldermort in a duel, over the course of one summer.

50. Harry cries like a little girl when someone says something mean to him, and must be comforted by his One True Love.

51. Harry was the subject of vicious, unending physical abuse and starvation by the Dursleys.

52. Harry will become a vampire, because nothing is cooler than a vampire. But he won't have to stay out of the sun or drink human blood, because giving him actual disadvantages would be annoying.

53. Harry will become an Animagus, because his father was one.

54. Harry will either become the apprentice of Merlin, or have an ability not seen since Merlin.

55. Harry will end up with multiple girlfriends, or even an entire harem. All the girls will get along with each other, and none will get bored because his attention is split so many ways. They are all his favorite, so there is no cause for jealousy.

56. Harry will find or create an item or spell that makes him immune to unforgivables.

57. Harry will signal his independent, edgy, and unconventional nature by dressing just like every other independent, edgy, and unconventional teen. He will also listen to Evenescence, because they are so **deep**.

58. Harry's full first name is actually Harold.

59. Harry's new trunk will be magical and have at least six compartments, including a bedroom, library, potions lab, and workout room.

60. Hermione was actually adopted. She's **really** a pureblood, because it's just so implausible that someone from a non-dominant group really could be that talented. (Courtesy of NougatEvolution.)

61. If Fred and George Weasley are introduced to Sirius and told he was one of the Marauders, they will bow or kneel and chant "We are not worthy, we are not worthy!"

62. If Harry either pulls a prank on someone, or becomes an animagus, he'll be given a 'Marauder name'.

63. If Harry uses a gun, he will immediately become Super!Harry. Wizards have no defense against firearms, despite the fact that they have been around since the 1400s. There is a 'gentlemen's agreement' in the Wizardly world that no one will use them.

64. If Harry uses a sword, he will become an master swordsman in only a few months, as opposed to the years it takes most people. Or he may not require any training at all.

65. James and/or Lily will leave a letter to Harry that explains exactly the things Harry needs explained in order to discover What Is Actually Going On. The letter is either in the Dursley's attic, in his vault, or will be magically delivered to him at a certain age.

66. Lucius Malfoy deeply regrets having become a Death Eater, but he was forced to, either by his father, or by threats to his family by Voldermort, or possibly he was pushed into it by his wife. He really doesn't believe that pure-blood nonsense.

67. Magical portraits of Harry's parents, or the Founders, or Merlin, will teach Harry everything that he needs to know.

68. Salazar did not dislike muggle-born and was not a blood purist. He's just been misunderstood.

69. Students who are unhappy can be re-sorted into another house.

70. Teachers in the Muggle world are so credulous that they will take the Dursley's word for it that Harry is a troublemaker, rather than making their own judgements. If he claims to have been abused, **they will tell the Dursleys what he said**.

71. The best way to show how tough you are is to give Dumbledore or Voldermort a demeaning knickname.

72. The Dark Arts aren't actually evil. They are just misunderstood by a hidebound and fearful Wizardly public.

73. The Malfoys are part Veela. Because no one that pretty could possibly be all humans. Besides, the less human blood you have the more you count as pureblood!

74. The only word Tonks ever uses to greet someone is "Wotcher."

75. There are multiple Potter Vaults; the one Harry sees in book one is just his school vault. He is actually worth tens or hundreds of millions of galleons, dozens of properties, and may be the richest wizard in the world. Unless Dumbledore has stolen it all, of course.

76. Underneath it all, Snape is actually a nice person, who just wants to be loved.

77. Unforgivables aren't actually evil. They all have good purposes, and are just misunderstood by a hidebound and fearful Ministry of Magic.

78. Vernon Dursley has so much influence in the Muggle world that despite the fact that Harry has told teachers that he's abused, Vernon gets it covered up.

79. Voldemort is rather stupid, mindlessly impulsive, and incapable of seeing through the most obvious ruses. This is why he came so close to taking over the wizardly world before he went after the Potters - because those are the traits that make a dark lord successful.

80. When Harry chooses the core to have a wand made for him, he will end up with at least two core elements, and possibly up to five or six. He'll also need several kinds of woods. Plus a special gem to cap it all off. He may have so many elements making it up that he will be forced to use a staff, rather than a wand. One with Runes on it.

**Author's Notes:**

I will take suggestions if people want more; I reserve the right to re-phrase any suggestion made, but credit will be given!


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